Lots of folks think having chickens will be different than a dog or cat who often become members of the family. Poultry often gets relegated to the dumb bird or livestock category. But those of us with chickens have learned that it doesn’t take long for them to make an indelible mark on our lives and our hearts. If you’re still holding on to the notion that chickens won’t change you, guest contributor Bobby Campbell is here to set you straight.
You’re a chicken owner now. It’s great that you had a golden doodle named “Pepper” and know how to care for animals. Take all that knowledge about dogs, cats or whatever four-legged mammal you have and tuck it away neatly in the file labeled “useless” cuz chickens will have you second-guessing yourself about embarking into the world of mini-velociraptors.
Let me explain further:
If you don’t currently cuss, the second a rooster tries to spur you like he pays rent you’ll be saying vulgar words in many different languages that you didn’t previously know. Or when a broody hen tries to peck your eyeballs out, you’ll be saying things that you’re mother would be ashamed of.
Chicken math is an addiction and should be treatable and covered by health insurance. Just like it’s guaranteed that you’re gonna have that one relative that has one too many beers and embarrasses the whole family at the reunion, chicken math is as certain as taxes and death. Don’t fight it. You’re not strong enough.
Chickens will sh*t on your porch even if they live on enough land to support a large Amish community. Your porch is gonna be where they go to get away from their kids and try to re-centre their Zen. You might pay the mortgage, but through the powers of imminent domain, it’s theirs now and you’re just allowed to exist on it.
That’s it. You’re basically the maid and housekeeper for them that is underpaid and don’t get a 401k.
If you don’t already have a therapist, don’t worry cuz one day you’ll find yourself sitting with the chickens with either a bottle or a cooler full of adult beverages talking about how Pam at work would not shut up about her trip to Spain with her sister and now you’re questioning if you really even need that job. And they’re gonna appear to be attentive but in reality you’re making them wish they never hatched. And now they’re the ones needing a therapist after hearing all your trauma stories.
No matter how much lovin’ you give them, some chickens will just not like you. Yes, it might remind you of that certain ex that didn’t give you validation or affection. It’s not their fault though in this case. So just throw ‘em food and tell ‘em to f-off every single day like a grown up.
So yeah, you’re a chicken owner now. We go through all of that emotional trauma, physical and mental bullying just to save $5 on eggs. It’s a great time to be alive.
You’re a chicken owner now and that means that will experience changes, both mentally and socially. Here’s why:
Chickens will change you. They will become the very fibre of your being. They will become your whole a$$ personality and who you are. You’re gonna go buy some warm and comfy PJs with chickens all over them, you’re gonna have at least two “cluck around and find out” coffee mugs and/or T-shirts, your phone’s lock screen will not have a picture of your kids; no, no, it will be your favorite bird.
You thought you were buying a few cute chicks, but alas, you ended up buying another personality to go along with the multiple others. It’ll get to the point where friends and family will have to ask if they’re speaking to chicken-you or normal-you. Just be patient with them, they’ll learn eventually.
Being a chicken tender will desensitize you to emergencies and how you react. How you ask? I’ll gladly tell you. You’re out with the feathered freeloaders and one of them looks certain like it’s headed to that big 12-piece family bucket in the sky. You lose sleep over it and go out the next morning expecting the worst only to find said mini raptor on top of your car hood leaving custom scratch marks (don’t worry, they’ll buff out…maybe) and was feeling generous enough to leave a couple piles of sh*t on your windshield for added aerodynamics.
So now when your actual human offspring comes in with a busted head, you’re questioning the seriousness of the situation and if they’re being overly dramatic about it. Then you come to the conclusion that duct tape and super glue will suffice.
Your chicken trauma will be the most important trauma in your life, far more important than anyone else’s problems. And you’re gonna let ’em know. Picture this: your bestie for the restie is sitting there sobbing about how she caught her man doing the horizontal hula with his part-time secretary. Her world is destroyed and in shambles. Then you bust out with “That’s horrible, but let me tell you what my rooster did this morning”. Then you proceed to explain how he made you run for dear life cuz he was trying to spur you (BTW this is why you wear blue jeans around chickens). But you survived because you never gave up and how he really is a good boy, he’s just misunderstood. So now you’ve made it relatable to her situation. This is where she figures out the difference between chicken-you and normal-you.
In closing, prepare yourself for the inevitable change. And warn the others that the person they see before them today will be a totally different person after owning chickens. Stay safe and stay blessed.
Thanks to Bobby Campbell for his observations about keeping chickens, used with permission. Photo credits (clockwise from top left: Eric Kevin Tom; unknown; Beth Ann; Punk Bawk; Alyx Shaw). Featured photo: Marilyn Corrado
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