This is Bitchin’ Chickens last post of the year. I thought it would be fitting to go out with a laugh, thanks to guest contributor Heide Royer.
It would be nice if things didn’t happen on a biblical proportion level here in Texas. When it’s hot, it’s burning down Gomorrah hot. When it’s cold, it’s a power grid destroying, black ice accumulating, freeway locking, economy-busting (since Texans don’t know how to drive in inclement weather and can’t make it anywhere) catastrophe. It’s as if God breathed on the land and turned it into ice.
Several days ago, it rained so hard I could barely see out into the pasture. The chickens were up but still soaked from the side winds that blew into their enclosure. I worried mostly about the babies, because last I checked they don’t make them to float or tread water. Fortunately for me, I didn’t lose anyone in the storm.
Late last night I went over to my friend’s house to have some snacks and libations. She lives fairly close, so that’s always a nice outlet to have at the end of a long week. I enjoy going there because she is the type of friend that pours you the big glass of wine, not the depressing restaurant or bar serving size. It’s a rim filler and always brings a monster smile to my face and maybe someone else’s by the end of the night.
I got home around midnight and all of the birds were roosting, but I noticed the ground underneath them was still a bit sloppy and wet. So I decided to do what anyone would do at that hour. Spread pine shavings on the ground.
I had two of the ‘Tracy pour’ size glasses of wine and was feeling pretty party girl good, grabbed the rake, twirled it around as if it were Fred Astaire looking across at me with lustful metal eyes and proceeded to dance/rake pine shavings. Only issue was, I had danced myself right into a newly formed spider web.
The day before, a few spiders and other unidentifiable creatures had infiltrated my home because of the harsh rains. They met a swift demise and got fed to the chickens. I immediately thought this was the Queen Spider and she was out to avenge the death of her subjects that were beaten and ultimately fed to the beasts on the property. She was highly pissed and I was about to lose half my face. I just bought new makeup too. Frick.
I’m not entirely sure if there was a spider on said web, because I didn’t really see one. All I know is that in a split second, I went from a cute farmer girl to wooden staff wielding, nunchuck spinning, mortal combat ‘finish him’ death move attempting mad woman. I spun myself right into my redneck ninja super hero outfit in three twirls. When I felt it was safe to stop from my human tornado state, I felt a slight throbbing on my face.
Shit. Bit$h got me.
Except I was the bit$h, and had managed in my arachnid slaying frenzy to bop the heck out of the side of my face with my rake.
Well ain’t that something Heide? How are we going to explain that one tomorrow?
And here we are.
Fended off some rabid, pregnant, wild boars that escaped from the Ukrainian circus and ran into a tree in my grand escape. Going with that one.
P.S. Feel free to hire me for all of your pesticide/dance partner needs. I’m available once I regain my vision.
Heide Royer is the artist behind Heidinmyworld of Art. Her creative passion lies within the animal world and is expressed through her visually compelling artwork. She is also an aspiring writer telling stories of her chicken farm life in a new book entitled “All Cooped Up – My Life with Chickens During A Pandemic”, filled with crazy antics and a lot of fowl play. It’s sure to bring laughter to any poultry loving household.
Thanks again to Heide for sharing her story, used with permission. Featured image: Jennifer Bullock
Bitchin' Chickens 
Loved this. Well told, I could visualize the scene LOL
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