The Funny Farm: Chickens Are A Gateway Drug

I’ve written lots about chicken math – you know, that insidious phenomenon that strikes chicken keepers, both newbies and old timers, infecting them with a bug that requires them to get more chickens. Well, this one is next level chicken math. If it sweeps through your neighbourhood, be afraid, as there apparently is no cure.

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Avian Algebra (Savannah Etheridge)

Chicken math. Pish. May I introduce you to avian algebra.

I started out with chickens. Then I got more chickens. And more chickens. I have well over 100. And then I got ducks. And then I got a livestock dog to protect said chickens and ducks. And then I got quail. Then a goose. And then I got some secret turkeys to play a TikTok game where my followers and I could see how long it would take my husband to find out they are turkeys instead of chickens.

And then one of my friends on TikTok had an emu. I was under the impression she had found him a forever home (she just wanted to hatch an emu). She asked if I wanted to meet in person and have margaritas on the porch of a Mexican restaurant and she would bring Patrick, the emu. Of course, I did. So he wore his little harness in his little tub. And she slyly mentioned how his home had fallen through. She also gave me the cutest sign that says ‘avian algebra’.

You see where this is going. So I came home from margarita night with an emu. My husband was just thrilled about having to build a 6‘ fence for this bird.

But then Patrick was lonely, he needed a friend! So obviously I got him a girlfriend, Sandy. And if I’m going to have 6‘ fencing I might as well get the goats I’ve been wanting. 

So the moral of the story is it’s not just chicken math. They lie to you. Chickens are the gateway drug to farm animals. 

P.S. After six weeks and the turkeys looking obviously like turkeys, my 5-year-old slipped up and said ‘turkey’. And my husband looked over and said “that makes a lot more sense” and rolled his eyes and shook his head. He said he thought they were just really ugly leghorns.

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Kicking & Screaming  (Earl Adams)

I’m guilty of chicken math! Two months ago we had 0. We started with 5, then another 4, then 6, finally 4 more = 19. Next thing you know I’m a grown man being dragged out of Tractor Supply kicking and screaming for more chickens.

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Duck Math  (Homegrown Show With Ben & Nicole)

I tried to tell Nicole I had to work this afternoon and I wouldn’t be home until later. Unfortunately, I don’t know whether it was her keen pregnancy spidey senses or the fact that I’m a terrible liar, but she insisted she came with me. She could tell I was up to something.

We hit the road en route to meet a friend of ours; that much was the truth. Of course she asked: “What’s the cage for?”

“Nothing” I replied, trying to skirt the question.

“It’s not more chickens is it?”

“No!” Phew, question period over.

“Is it ducks?!”

It was ducks; three to be exact. Welcome Huey, Dewey and Louie.

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Tips On Finding A Husband  (Daniele Fry)

Find yourself a partner who tells you “No” when you ask them for more chickens. But also that same person who told you “no” goes and buys you six fertilized eggs to put under our broody hen AND a goat. I sure do love my future husband.

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Wanna Duck? (Julia Sullivan)

It has been 12 days since I got a chicken. It has been zero days since I got a duck. I blame the super sales tactics utilized by the guys at Lamberts.

Guy: Do you want a duck? It’s all alone.

Me: Yes

Everyone meet Cheddar

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Gateway Drug  (Chris Pacheco)

If you’re thinking of getting chickens, be warned that chicken math is a thing. You don’t think it’ll affect you, but you’re wrong. I started with four. I now have 27. So just go ahead, make your plans for the cute little flock of five, but build a coop for ten. Or thirty. It’s the gateway drug to farming. I can’t wait to get my sheep and donkey. And maybe a cow. Or six.

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Bunny Love  (Eleanor Emery)

This is my little a-hole, Biscuit. She free ranges in the garden all day with her chicken. She’s broken out of several hutches to go sleep with her friend costing a small fortune so now I just give up and let them sleep together in the chicken coop and spend all day digging up my garden together.

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Read You Loud and Clear (Josh Ramos)

I was minding my own business while on a break at work when this little gem arrived. I had the impulse to catch her and take her home since I have no idea where she came from in the city. But then I realized I had no cage and would have a poop fest in my car not to mention I didn’t know if she was carrying anything and I must protect my flock. Still I read you loud and clear universe: acquire more chickens. So I went back and caught her.

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The Ugly Side Of Marriage  (Kristi Holt)

Today my husband said we now have enough chickens. He told me no more for a while. I’m not sure why he is acting out. I think he is trying to drive me away. I’m not going to budge. I am going to love him through this. This is the raw and ugly side of marriage no one talks about.

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Many thanks to everyone who shared their stories and photos. Featured photo: Nancy Essid