The Funny Farm: Confessions Of Crazy Chicken Ladies

I’ve had chickens for about 15 years and am not sure if I qualify as a crazy chicken lady. Admittedly, I’ve had sick chickens in my house convalescing, all the while stinking up my only bathroom. There have been several hens introduced to my kitchen sink for a soak while I dealt with their vent gleet, bumblefoot, or prolapsed vent. My dining table has been converted into a makeshift exam and procedure table. And just last week I grappled with my first case of frostbite so felt compelled to bring my rooster inside before he sustained any more damage. I wasn’t too happy to discover he starts crowing before 5am and endured three early morning wake up calls before I could return him to the flock.

Pre-Covid, my side hustle was selling hatching eggs and birds. I live on a small island and commute to a town where I was able to meet up with customers to hand off the eggs or chickens. Several times I brought birds to work while they waited for their new keepers to collect them. On one occasion, I had several boxes of chickens: some were my own and one package contained a bantam rooster I was helping a friend to rehome. I shut my office door and all the hallway doors leading to the reception area of the health centre where I work.

The clinic patients were entertained by the muffled crowing, but the manager, a particularly difficult woman, was not. When I got the call from head office saying she had something to discuss with me I said, “Let me guess, it’s about the chickens.” We both had a good laugh at the pettiness of my co-worker in what I’ve dubbed “Chickengate”. Good thing she no longer works there because next week I’ll be transporting half a dozen hens to work. If I’m lucky, their new keeper will show up on time and we can do the exchange in the parking lot; otherwise, into my office they go.

The following are stories about the ways in which chickens impact our behaviour in ways we may not have expected.

Tiffany Steinkuehler

My six-year-old son, while drifting off to sleep tonight said, “Mommy did you know there are more chickens living on Earth than any other kind of animal?” I asked him where he heard that, and he said he read it in a book at school. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but with 24 chickens, five humans, and one non-chicken pet, our family is certainly doing our part.

Cheri Torta

Me getting chicks in April: “These are farm animals and I will not be naming them or getting involved in their drama.”

Me in September: “Dora hasn’t been the same since her best friend died.”

Alexys Deane

My husband: “You’re officially one of those crazy chicken moms now, aren’t you?!” “YUP!” Found this gem while thrifting:

Kaitlyn Oliver

When you get home from grocery shopping and somehow your chickens are out and you hear two squawking in the woods. You start calling and hear something attacking them.

I’ve never run through thorns and off a huge dirt cliff so fast. A hawk let the one go and she came running to me. I grabbed her up but couldn’t find the other one. I’m covered in blood from what looks like a small puncture. Three were missing. One I saved, one came back and one is still gone. Unfortunately I think the one is just gonzies, but that’s the life of a chicken farmer and better than losing three.

Jamie Wagner

Margaret, who is recovering from some injuries, was finally put back with the rest of the flock yesterday. She keeps showing up at my front door wanting to come in. She is used to indoors after two weeks of the good life. She was at my door again this morning, and I felt bad for her. It is cold and she still doesn’t have all her feathers back, so we went on a little field trip to pick up a grocery order. I told her she would love the heated seat feature and, boy, did she. Definitely the strangest thing I’ve done so far with any of my girls. I’m sure next week I will tell myself “here, hold my beer’ to top it.

Jadyn Greene

Hi, my name is Jadyn and I have a chicken problem. I just offered to take a flock of nine when I already have a flock of way too damn many.

Everyone say,”Hi Jadyn”.

Neisha Vega

My husband is going to have a cow when he comes home and sees Henrietta in the house with a pull up on! Hopefully he will let her stay inside because she wiped her feet off on the blue washcloth so it’s not like she’s tracking in any dirt. I’ve officially lost my mind and need real friends.

Sunny Johnson

I have a chicken story that happened on the last day of 2023. We had chili-can-yukka, which is canned chili, Velveeta cheese, sliced black olives and green chilies all heated up together and served over nachos. It looks like barf, but it tastes really good. As I was slicing the Velveeta, I dropped about ¼ block on the floor. At that point I realized that my rug might need washing and discovered that Velveeta seems to have adhesive properties, so I put it aside for the chickens. Early morning found me cutting this almost gelatinous orange cheese into little pieces and adding it to their chopped fresh kale. Upon serving, well, oh my gosh, they LOVE Velveeta! They went at it like they had never eaten a meal in their lives. Within what seemed to be seconds, that ¼ block was history.

Lizzie happened upon what appeared to be the last chunk (and it was a sizeable piece). She speared the cheesy goodness with her beak and took off with three or four of her sisters in hot pursuit. When the rest of the girls figured out that Lizzie had the remaining hunk of Velveeta, everyone abandoned their kale to join in the quest to relieve Lizzie of the now coveted piece of slimy cheese that was firmly affixed to her beak.

Feathers were flying, chickies were squawking, and Lizzie was doing evasive maneuvers that the NFL would envy. Of course, it ended badly for Lizzie whose beak was glued shut with Velveeta and could not defend herself as her sisters piled on top of her, ripping her prize out of her gooey beak. Then, in an act of total disregard for poor Lizzie’s feelings, they abandoned her, smacking their beaks with enjoyment as they devoured her cheesy prize. She stayed sad for maybe 30 seconds (they were long seconds) and then she was off to the kale. And with the crisis averted, I went back to cleaning out the hen house amidst the sympathetic clucks of the now cheese-drunk feathered marauders.

Dagger Willingham

Things I have said to my house chicken this week:

No, you can’t stand on my arm right now!
Why is there topsoil all over my shirt?
How did you get wet?
This is not for you. Chickens eat cereal grains, not breakfast cereal.
That’s my coffee, caffeine is toxic to birds!
Did you just get off your blanket to poop?!
Please don’t peck my teeth.
That is more than enough Cheese-Its for you!
Don’t you peck that dog in the eye!
I have to go inside for a second, watch over your Grandma and don’t steal the car.